Boundaries for Beginners: You Are Closer to More Time and Energy Than You Think!
Boundaries Feel Weird at First: How Saying "No" Can Lead to Greater Health, Peace, and Freedom
Have you ever told someone "no" when every part of you felt like you had absolutely no business doing so? Imagine telling your boss "no," even if it means you might lose your job. It seems impossible, right? But what if I told you that setting boundaries in your life is not just important for your emotional well-being but crucial for your physical and mental health as well?
Setting boundaries often feels unnatural, uncomfortable, and even selfish. After all, you’ve always been the one to step up, do what’s needed, and say yes whenever someone asks. You’ve been the caretaker, the problem solver, the people pleaser. But when we don't prioritize our own needs and resources, we end up overwhelmed, exhausted, and burned out. This is where healthy boundaries come in—and though it might feel weird at first, the long-term benefits are worth every awkward moment.
The Struggle of Saying "No"
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew you should say no, but the thought of doing so felt uncomfortable? That’s a common experience. Saying no, especially to those we love, work with, or care about, can feel like we’re letting them down, or worse—being selfish. This emotional tug-of-war often leaves us feeling anxious, guilty, and uncertain.
However, here’s the truth: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we need to say yes to everything because we can handle it. After all, we’ve been conditioned to believe that the more we do for others, the more valuable we are. But this mindset is one of the biggest obstacles to setting healthy boundaries. The problem isn’t just saying “yes” all the time—it’s not pausing to assess whether or not we actually have the time, energy, or resources to say yes in the first place.
If you're someone who tends to agree to everything, ask yourself: How does it feel after you’ve said yes to one more thing? Chances are, it feels draining. Those little “yeses” add up to stress, exhaustion, and burnout, leaving you feeling empty and depleted. In the end, the 5 minutes of discomfort you experience from saying no is far less harmful than the weeks (or months) of stress that follow.
Boundaries are About Saying Yes
A common misperception about boundaries is that boundaries are about saying no. The truth is, boundaries are about living in the freedom that is inherent in every human life. No one has to do anything. You get to decide how you spend your time, effort and resources. A mindset shift for many women is to start thinking about boundaries as saying yes to yourself, including your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, because you have the freedom, or permission to do so.
That doesn’t mean that we will sometimes have to do things that we don’t want to. Of course, we all do things sometimes that we don’t want to do because we have a good reason to do them. The problem comes in when we are constantly making decisions for ourselves and our lives without being aware that we have the freedom to say yes or no. When we say yes to everyone and everything without examining why we’re saying yes to those things and if we have the time and internal or external resources to be doing them, we end up overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted.
This is why it is important to have compassion for yourself and understand and embrace your value and worth. Saying no is not easy, resisting people pleasing can be hard. If you don’t have a really good reason to do so (ie “I’m going to say no even though it feels badly because I really value my sanity, peace, energy, etc”) it’s unlikely that you will expose yourself to that discomfort. It's about recognizing your worth and honoring your own limits.
But Who Will Do It If I Don’t?
One of the hardest things for many women to do is resist the pull of being “superwoman”. We’ve been conditioned to think that if we don’t take care of everything and everyone, we’re failing. This mindset leads us to believe that if I don’t do it, no one else will. But here’s a hard truth: When you do everything for everyone, you inadvertently train others not to step up. You become the go-to person, the one they rely on, and eventually, you burn out.
This is the trap of overextending yourself. People will continue to depend on you it’s like a never-ending cycle of giving without receiving. Eventually, your emotional and physical reserves are depleted, and you’re left wondering why you feel so burnt out.
Instead, try this experiment: Let go of one responsibility that others “count on” you to do. Maybe it’s a household chore, a work task, or an ongoing favor. Allow others to fill in the gap, even if it means they don’t do it as efficiently or as perfectly as you would. Watch what happens. Chances are, someone else will step up to the plate. If they don’t, you’ll get a glimpse of how resilient you can be when you allow yourself to say no and let go.
This practice may feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a crucial step in learning to let go and create space for your own needs. And people are usually capable of way more than we give them credit for or they offer to us.
How UnhealthyBoundaries Harm Your Health
Boundaries are not just an emotional issue—they also have a significant impact on your physical health. Our thoughts and beliefs directly influence our behaviors, which then affect our emotions and physical well-being.
For example, if you believe that you must respond to every request—whether it’s from your child, your partner, or your boss—your body will react accordingly. You’ll feel an internal pressure to be constantly available, to put everyone else’s needs before your own. This leads to stress, which can manifest physically in ways like fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, and even digestive issues.
In my own life, I learned firsthand how poor boundaries can lead to physical illness. I realized that the more I gave without regard for my own needs, the more my body began to suffer. I was emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and had trouble sleeping. Insomnia became a chronic problem, and with it came weight gain, brain fog, and lack of focus.
One of the most important things I did to improve my health was to set a daily "shutdown" time in the evenings. My days were filled with caring for others, managing family responsibilities, and taking care of work tasks. But by the time evening came, I was often completely wiped out. I had little time to unwind, and this lack of downtime affected my sleep, my energy levels, and my overall health.
I made a decision to announce a shutdown time and put it on the family calendar. I communicated it clearly: If anyone needed anything from me, or even just wanted to chat, it needed to happen before that time.
I have to say, it still does NOT feel good when my teenager wants to talk to me after that time. I mean, a teenager talking to me is gold! But still, I say the same thing most times, “I love you but this is time I need to wind down and I’m just not available right now.” Though it feels badly to me and disappointing to them, everyone is ok and they talk to me the next day…before my shut down time!
Over time, this practice helped me establish a healthier sleep routine, reduce my reliance on caffeine, and improve my overall health. I felt more energized, focused, and present in my daily life.
The cycles that originate from our beliefs are what lead us to poor health. Challenging our beliefs and being willing to try new things (which will feel weird) can start a healthier cycle in your day to day life which cumulatively, adds up to a life with the energy, focus, confidence and peace that you want!
A Few Simple Steps to Get Started
If you are new to boundaries, here are a few things to start trying today:
1. Practice Saying "No" with Someone You Trust
Choose someone who loves and supports you, and let them know you’re practicing setting healthier boundaries. The next time they ask you to do something, try saying no. Start with simple responses like:
“No, I’m not available for that.”
“No, thank you.”
“No, but thank you so much for asking.”
Notice what it feels like to say no. Allow yourself to experience the discomfort of the moment, and ride out that feeling in the safety of that secure relationship. The more you practice, the more familiar it will become.
2. Challenged One Assumed Responsibility
What is something that you (and everyone around you) just assume that YOU do? Is it the dishes, laundry, groceries, dog walking, etc? Pick one of those things for just one day and just don’t do it! Notice what happens. Hopefully someone else will notice and do it. Or maybe no one will do it and you can see if that’s something that you can tolerate. Or maybe you can ask someone to do it. You have options!
3. Reflect on Your Needs
Take a moment to reflect on your physical, emotional, and mental needs. What are you missing out on because you’re always saying yes to others? What would it feel like to prioritize yourself? Setting boundaries is not about being selfish; it’s about creating a life that you can make sure that you have enough fuel to care for your big and beautiful life.
Conclusion: Embrace the Weirdness of Boundaries
It’s true—setting boundaries feels weird at first. It’s uncomfortable, and it might even feel selfish. But the more you practice saying “no” and protecting your time, energy, and resources, the more natural it will become. Remember, boundaries are not just about saying no—they are about saying yes to the most relevant person in your life: you.
Setting boundaries ultimately leads to greater health, more energy, and a sense of peace. So take the first step today. It might feel uncomfortable, but the long-term benefits will be worth every awkward moment.