Healing Through Self-Compassion: How Talking to Yourself Like Your Best Friend Can Transform Your Wellness
Where Is Your Focus When You Look at Yourself? Shift from the Negative to Include a Positive View for Better Wellness
When I think of my best friend, Val, I am filled with warmth, gratitude and appreciation. If I really push myself, I can think of things that are not perfect about her. But overall, I regard her as a perfectly imperfect person. Someone that I love and appreciate deeply. When I think of myself, I am tempted to experience tension, anxiety and annoyance. If I really push myself, I can find the warm places, the places that I am thankful for and appreciate.
What is behind the contrast? Why is my first glance at or thought about each one of us so vastly different?
Afterall, we are both human women who share many attributes in age, state of life, interests and values. We both have strengths and weaknesses that we openly share with each other. Neither one of us would say that we’ve nailed our existence in this human life.
This may be a too much data on yourself issue but if you really think about it, does your loved one have a “spotless” record? No one does. And you still see them with value right?
I think the difference is that it does not benefit me at all to see Val in a negative light. It would be actually kind of odd for me to primarily think of someone who is so additive to my wellbeing in a negative light, right?
While it is incredibly ironic that I am substantially more vital to my more well-being, it is actually functional to see the negative things about myself. Our brains are wired to see the negative aspects of ourselves more easily. This helps us to not get complacent or lazy in continuing to grow and evolve and survive. It helps us act like “normal” people so that we don’t get kicked out of the tribe which many moons ago, would have threatened our survival. (Think of all of the times you’ve said to yourself, “Don’t say anything stupid” or “What will they think of you if I let it be known that _____”).
The part of our brain that fuels these thoughts is small but mighty! We need it so we don’t want to get rid of it or shut it down but we also can’t let it run the show all of the time. We have to make room for the full truth of who we are in our complete, integrated selves.
Believing the Whole Truth About Ourselves is the First Step Toward Healing and Well-Being
While our anxious, survival-driven brains may see the ideal one way and ourselves in another way, the truth is that no one is “ideal.” We are all imperfect human beings who live in an imperfect world and I would say that most people are doing the best they can.
Sometimes the best you can still leave you feeling negative and less than about your existence and it can be tempting to look at short term solutions and interventions to try to feel better. While it can seem easier to tackle something on the outside, we need to go inside and work on the healing that needs to happen in order to be well.
The one place we need to look, we don't. And I know why. Sometimes it seems like looking inside is a scary forest. But it is actually an incredibly diverse garden with mature and blooming trees, budding plants and places that are in need of light and water.
Let’s start by actively practicing an alternative way of thinking and/or talking about ourselves. With some awareness and intention, we can start to balance out the perception of ourselves by recognizing how we need to continue to grow as well as the things that are already pretty good. When there’s a challenge or we make a mistake, instead of beating ourselves up to try to make sure we never do that again, we can respond with care and understanding, curiosity and exploration.
Once you can see yourself in a more holistic way, it is easier to develop the ability to spend time with yourself and speak to yourself with love and compassion. Then, you are well on your way to having a healthy relationship with yourself, which is the cornerstone of everything else you do from there.
Making the Change to Thinking of and Speaking to Yourself Like Your Best Friend
Think about the relationship that you have with your best friend. Do you find value and dignity in them even while knowing at least some of their imperfections, mistakes and struggles?
It is time to find that same value and dignity in yourself with full knowledge of your imperfections, mistakes and struggles. When we’re trying to discover where we can find our value and worth, we have to look no further than how we find that in those we care for the most. You just hold them in that regard. They probably earned your trust and friendship but they didn’t have to earn how you see them. You see both their strengths and their weaknesses. And you love them in it all.
Let’s apply those same standards to yourself. Instead of waiting to achieve certain things to gain acceptance and worth, step into it right where you are right now. Acceptance is not the same as perfect. It is being willing to accept inherent reality. You too, are a perfectly imperfect person.
You have a better chance at achieving the energy, focus and peace you desire when your head is where your feet are. Right now, you are imperfect. Right now, you have strengths. Right now, you have places to work on and grow. When these inherent realities are accepted, it opens up more room to have that integrated perception of yourself, the perfectly imperfect existence of every human being, including you.
Does anyone take good care of something that they don’t really care about or feel negatively about?
We should not expect ourselves to look or feel the way we want to when we’re running around with an incredibly negative monologue in our heads.
Your best shot at improving your wellness, body mind and soul, is to start seeing yourself as yet another worthy, imperfect person who is deserving of love, care and compassion.
Putting This Into Practice: What it Actually Looks and Sounds Like
To actually help you walk this out, we’re going to practice talking to yourself like you would your best friend.
First, think about a time when a close friend felt really bad about him or herself or was really struggling in some way. How did you respond to your friend in this situation? What did you do or say? Pay attention to the tone in which you typically talk to your friend.
Now think about a time when you felt badly about yourself or were struggling in some way. How did you respond to yourself in this situation? What did you do or say? Note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
Did you notice a difference? If so, try playing #2 over in your mind or heck, go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror. Apply #1 this time and respond to your struggle in the way that you would respond to your best friend.
How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you respond to your best friend when you’re suffering?
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?