The Key to Long-Lasting Wellness: Building a Strong Relationship with Yourself
How Did We Get Here? Understanding the Road to Our Current Situation
Over the last 20+ years, as I work with women on their physical and emotional health, the most common thing I hear is that they want more peace, contentment and happiness. They want to feel better in their bodies and in their relationships. I can understand why! Life has never been easy and I rarely use the word unprecedented but when it fits, it fits! When else in history have women been expected to live the lives of 3 people at the same time? And do it all really well?
The opportunities that women have are right and good. We have so much to contribute to the world in our gifts and talents that serve our professions and communities as well as raising families that will be positive contributions to the world and bring us love and connection. The problem isn’t that we now have so many opportunities. The problem is that the hours in the day are too few. And the expectations are too high. The biggest problem is that no one taught us how to take care of ourselves while doing all of that…or told us that it is our basic human right to do so.
The Truth About Finding Love in All the Wrong Places
What happened in our society and in our own personal journey that we swallowed that bitter pill that we can do so much on so little fuel? For some of us, it may be trauma that led to self-neglect. It may be growing up in a home that taught us to seek acceptance and approval above all else. Or maybe it’s the societal expectation that taking care of yourself is selfish or weak. No matter where the root of that lie came from, we need to recognize our part in sustaining it.
When we are self-neglecting, seeking approval and trying to be “strong,” we are shifting our attention to the external and avoiding looking inside at all costs. We may avoid looking internally because it’s painful. After all, you have lived with yourself 24/7, 365 for however long you’ve been on this earth. You have a lot of data on yourself! You know every unfavorable thing you’ve done, thought or said. But that’s not all that’s in there, my friends! You also have thought, done and said incredibly beautiful and life-giving things.
While our brains are wired to focus on the negative to serve self-protection, we can, as an act of the will, choose to focus on what’s good as well or in addition to the things that are unfavorable. Looking inside can seem scary at first thought; but it’s one of those things that if we cross the “scary” threshold, what we see is really not that bad.
While we can achieve the wins when seeking approval from the outside, those wins will always leave us wanting. When we get a promotion, get recognized or lose 10 lbs, that’s awesome! But for how long? We will only be on the path to peace, contentment and happiness when we spend time with the one we are with the most: ourselves. (Cue the music for “Love the One You’re With”!)
Where Does Your Value Really Come From? Exploring the Foundations of Self-Worth
Once you cross that seemingly scary threshold of looking within and find those diamonds in the rough: your good qualities, the times you got it right, your awareness of your worthiness, you will find an entry way to spending time with yourself. Once you are able to spend time with yourself, you will find it more palatable to give your focus and attention both internal and external aspects of your life.
There is nothing wrong with noticing the needs and demands from your external world. The problems arise when we focus more on that than ourselves. When we sustain our external focus and neglect fueling the being that executes those tasks, that being eventually runs out of fuel and becomes irritable, unhappy and unwell without knowing it! Which further fuels that negative perception of ourself. And there we find ourselves in the negative feedback loop that created the belief that we really shouldn’t be poking around the inside…
When we have some internal focus as well as external focus, we fuel ourselves, we attend to our needs. When we take care of ourselves, a natural liking and respect comes along for the ride. We start to shift that cycle from self-neglect and negative perception of self to caring for ourself with accompanying positive experiences and subsequent perception of ourself. This opens the path to a healthier, more positive, and more fulfilling relationship with yourself. Only when you actually spend time with yourself can you truly know your worth.
Even the people who love me the most: my children, my husband, my family and closest friends cannot be depended on to fuel the insatiable need for reassurance and compassion. They are their own humans with their own lives and concerns. Looking only to the external is going to leave you wanting.
A Self-Compassion Exercise to Strengthen Your Inner Connection
As we recognized that you know every fault from all of the time you spend with yourself, the same numbers can apply to the travesty of rarely spending time with yourself. Would you want to spend 24/7, 365 with someone you don’t really care for? Think about that dynamic with someone you spend a lot of time with, like a spouse or child. Would you ever look at that person and say, “You know, I really don’t like you but I don’t have another choice so I just tolerate you and try not to spend too much time with you.” ? I doubt it!
But how often do we find this being the dynamic we have with ourselves?
We are certainly busy enough that we could occupy ourselves for days, months and years on end focusing on others and only the outward facing parts of ourselves. But if that worked, would I have 100s of women telling me that they are unhappy and lacking peace and contentment?
I know that it’s a risk to face potential pain. I know you’re afraid you may not like what you see in there. But I also know in more truth and reality that while you are an imperfect person, you are also a beautiful and worthy person. But don’t take my word for it - get in there and see for yourself.
Once you become accustomed to looking inward at yourself, too, you will not only discover that it’s not so bad in there (most of the time), but you will also start to notice when you’re hungry, when you’re tired, when you’re having emotions and what those are. You will know what you want and don’t want and more and more! All of this information can lead you to living a more effective and empowered life and help you to accomplish all of those things that you’re currently trying to do on fumes.
One of my favorite ways to start this exploration and relationship with yourself is through self-compassion. Self-compassion isn’t blowing smoke and saying you’re the best thing ever (no one is). Self-compassion is learning to accept yourself and things as they are and to find a way that you can navigate it all. To start, spending just a few minutes a day practicing intentional self-compassion can lead to actually having these kinds of interactions and dialogues with yourself in a very natural and regular way.
Just the other day, I was feeling super insecure and vulnerable. My past reaction would have been something like, “Oh, get over it. You’re being stupid. No one cares. Just shove it down and move on.” My current reaction, after practicing self-compassion for the last few years was more like, “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. Everyone feels insecure and vulnerable sometimes even though it doesn’t seem like it from the outside. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll get through this. Be strong and courageous. This is not the whole story.” As a recovering perfectionist, having a natural response like the 2nd one is a miracle and victory! I have, afterall, achieved a lot of external success with the first narrative. But where did that lead me as a human? Overwhelmed and exhausted. Shifting my focus to tend to myself on the inside helped me to process what was happening internally so that when I showed up for my people later that day, I could greet them with a big smile and ask how they were instead of holding on like hell to keep myself together.
Dr. Kristin Neff is a psychologist who has very generously provided many audio and written exercises for free. This is one of my favorites: Tender Self-Compassion Break - Self-Compassion. It takes <5 minutes a day and is a great starting point for learning to speak to yourself with love and compassion.
When we start to notice and spend time with ourselves and improve how we talk to ourselves, we cultivate ground to have a healthier and more positive relationship with ourselves. From there, having some focus on our internal lives doesn’t seem so bad and scary. This leads us to actually tending to our needs and being more fueled and regulated to show up in the way we want to for ourselves and those we love.